Trying all the new seltzers so you don't have to PT. 3

Trying all the new seltzers so you don't have to PT. 3

Welcome back to another edition of the dog days series: Your source of how to beat the heat and keep the drinks cold all summer long.

Well, gents, it’s been a while since I gave a critical analysis on seltzers. Somehow, since I last reviewed seltzers in April, dozens of new seltzers have hit the market. As a self-proclaimed seltzer guy, I am in heaven. Summer 2021 has been a crispy boys’ utopia, filled with those sweet, loveable boozy bubbles. 

After weeks of seltzer intake, countless trigs, and a couple of tears, I have been able to formulate the most complete and updated seltzer review for all of Summer 2021’s new seltzers. As a disclaimer, I have consistently rated my seltzers based on these ratings: Truly Seltzers are a 7.1, and White Claw V1’s are a 7.2. Consider these are our “control” seltzers.

Natural Light Sour Seltzer: 5.9/10

If you want to torture yourself for a night, grab a 12 pack of these and a box of tums for the heartburn you’re about to get. These somehow taste like a Four Loko Sour Apple while only sitting at 6% ABV. So many other seltzers on the market; don’t go after this garbage. The aftertaste is awful, the flavors in general taste like chemicals, and they don’t pass the chug test.

Sonic Hard Seltzers: 8.05/10

The Ocean Water seltzer is one of the best flavors I’ve ever tried, and the same goes with the Cherry Limeade. They don’t taste identical to their non-alcoholic counterpart, but I enjoy them much more. I’ve seen some reviews online where people hate the aftertaste, and that’s pretty common with most new seltzers hitting the market. I didn’t mind it at all. Reminder me a ton of those OG Natty Light Seltzers I fell in love with so much, but with those kick-ass Sonic flavors. Give these a try for yourself. 

Happy Dad Seltzers: 7.4/10

Those friggin Nelk boys, eh? Choppin’ up, selling out, and giving in to the seltzer game, ya see? I’ll give them a nod for the return of an OG can. I love how this movement is coming back. The wild cherry and pineapple are respectable flavors that I would personally drink any day. Not huge on the aftertaste, but these passed the chug test. Not for everyone, I wouldn’t go after these every weekend, but these are a solid changeup. 

Bud Light Seltzer Retro Summer: 7.6/10

I’m happy with the necessary facelift Bud Light gave this pack. If you like a seltzer that screams “HERE’S THE FLAVOR, YOU MOTHER F*****,” this is your go-to. Flavors are bold. They don’t try and hide behind those bubbles. The aftertaste isn’t bad like their predecessors. My 7.6 score is because I’m a bigger fan of the lighter seltzers, but if you’re into some serious bang-bang-flavor-gang, this is for you.

NOCA Boozy Water: 7.8/10

Alright, not a seltzer, but we’re branching out here, gentleman. My doctor always tells me I need to drink more water, so this will suffice for now. Big fan of these, very light and easy to down. They fall into the same shitty formula of having a great cherry flavor but awful pineapple. These are hands down, however, the king for shotguns or chugs. If the NOCA guys make better flavors, I could see them taking over the entire booze market. 

Kirkland Hard Seltzer: 6.8/10

Oh, let’s go, boys. Costco, the epicenter of fantastic deals, dropped one for the ages. Pretty much anything Kirkland brand, you know what you’re getting into. Cheaper than the original, pretty much the same but not as quality. I imagine my mom drinking these, pouring them in her tumbler, and calling it a white claw to her suburbia friends. Not a bad option. It’s what you’d expect from Kirkland. 

Coors Seltzer: Orange Cream: 8.25/10

Boys. These are it. Not too sweet, but you can tell the lads over at Coors put their time and money into these puppies. It’s a bold strategy only to put one flavor in a 12 pack, but it hit. After a pack of these, I felt like I was a child again. It turns out I just fell out of my chair and hit my head—pretty bad concussion. Regardless, impeccable flavor. Hat’s off to you, Coors. 

  • Connor (Super seltzer guy 3.0, someone get me some water guy, please guy)

Leave a comment