Welcome back to another edition of the blog: your favorite bi-weekly word press from two facial-haired 5th years attempting to look natural at their frats freshman year mixers.
It’s NFL Draft season gentleman and what a time to be alive. Every year, anyone who chooses to put “analyst” in their LinkedIn bio makes thousands of predictions, mock drafts, and so on. Love them or hate them, the hot takes that run the internet make the draft so much entertaining. And I for one, am here for this entertainment. Consider this my official declaration of “analyst” status, because I’m making some mother f***ing lists baby.
My Top 5 NFL Draft Prospects (Based solely on if I’d want to get drunk with them)
- Sam Ehlinger, QB, Texas
Now this one comes with some bias (I go to UT) but he is without a doubt top 5 in contention. I grew up playing this guy throughout Pop Warner and to be completely honest, I despise the guy. Maybe it’s because he’s going to be making millions as a backup QB in the NFL while I’ll be wrapping up my core classes. I have seen him downtown the past couple of years countless times and every single time I’ve hopped into his section I’ve been kicked out. Whether I end up punching the guy at the end of the night or loving him is up to the alcohol, but he’s a top 5 guy for me.
- Ben Mason, FB, Michigan
Ben is all about grit. 6 foot 3 and weighing in at 260- my man is an absolute specimen of a human. He won the team’s “Toughest Player” award at Michigan twice and that’s all I need to hear. I guarantee Ben puts down a 24 rack like nobody’s business and is still looking for a pull of whiskey. I’d be a little worried for my liver after a night with him but it would be a night I’d never forget.
- Mac Jones, QB, Alabama
Take away everything else and what does Mac Jones have that every truly great drinker has, it’s a beer belly. Everyone and their mother has seen the picture of Mac posted up next to Jalen and Tua, and I love what I see. Yes, he has previous issues I in no way condone and actually really can’t tolerate what he did, but he has publically emphasized his regrets and lack of character as a freshman. Forgive but never forget, and Mac you get dropped a couple of spots today, buddy.
- Quinn Meinerz, OG, Wisconsin Whitewater
For those of you who don’t know- Quinn Meinerz is a D3 prospect who has blown up on the scene. He’s an absolute maniac on the field and I would like to bet he’s got the same mentality with his drinks. For those of you who haven’t been to a small D3 school, there isn’t much to do other than drink. I’m sure Quinn learned a thing or two out in Whitewater, Wisconsin about the art of drinking. And I am here to learn.
- Cameron Sample, EDGE, Tulane
Cameron Sample is an athletic freak and during his time at Tulane, he terrorized offenses across the country. With this pick, however, you need to dig deep into the analytics. How far is The University of Tulsa from Bourbon Street? 4.4 Miles. And how much running does head coach Will Tritz make his players run during spring and summer practice? Well or 4.4 miles. It’s an easy trip to Bourbon for a guy like Cameron. I couldn’t imagine Bourbon Street being my college bar street, I’d probably be dead. If Cameron can handle his college years on Bourbon, I can’t picture him as anything but a top drinking talent in this year’s draft.
- Connor Laird (Waz guy, Grit guy, Official Analyst of Kanga Coolers guy)