Being a seltzer guy: it's a f*cking struggle

Welcome back to another edition of the blog: Your favorite bi-weekly word press written by 2 dudes not ready for the real world. I’ll go ahead and put my hand up. I’ve failed you as a Blog Gawd. Have I been on a 2-week bender and let blogs go to the side? Yes… But Matt and I are back, ready to give you the summer of dreams via harmonious scripts right f***** here. Don’t say it too loud… But we back. 

This one is a long time coming. I’ve said it in the past, but I don’t think I’ve ever taken a deep dive on the subject: I am a seltzer (and only seltzer) guy. I don’t know what made it happen, but one morning a year and a half ago, I woke up and couldn’t stand the taste of beer. I know, I know, “dude, you work for a drinking company,” “how do you have a man card,” “the world is a worse place because you can’t drink a beer,” I’ve heard it all.

Can anyone else agree that after a semester of brotherly bonding, all you want is to drink anything else than a warm Keystone Light? I think I took it down the deep end without realizing it. It was a blur (potentially due to the drinking). When seltzers became popular, of course, I went straight for them. It felt like I was drinking a LeCroix that had a higher ABV than any beer I was willing to drink on a Saturday night. After a summer of pretty much only touching seltzer, I found myself in the fall grabbing them too at tailgates. 

It was too late when I realized what I had done. I can remember the night as clear as day. October 31st, 2019, it was a crisp fall day. The boys were buzzing, and we were about to start a power hour to get things going for the immaculate Halloween night we had ahead of us. A couple of us split a case of Coors for the pregame. Ready to knock some bronsens back, we sat on the couch, queued up Big Booty Mix Volume 11 (you’re a real one if you know it’s by far the best mix), and got our crisp ones out. 

I took down my first beer shot with immediate regret.

What the actual f***. Is this bread water?? I thought.

I went ahead and did a couple more, not wanting to be sus around the boys. And I kept wanting to dump the whole thing out. 

What is wrong with me? Pouring out a drink is alcohol abuse…

I went over and grabbed a can of my buddy’s PBR’s. Same story. I couldn’t believe it. After 7 straight months of only drinking seltzers, I couldn’t stand the taste of beer anymore. And to this day, I still can’t fathom the idea of knocking back anything related to a Bud Light.

It’s been a struggle, I can tell you that. It’s double the cost to only drink seltzer, and even though it’s common for everyone to drink ‘em nowadays when I first was on the seltzer wave, it wasn’t. I’ll admit, I’ve worked on my beer potential so many times in the past 2 years. My only progress has been a new liking to Mexican beers. 

Does anyone else have this struggle? Am I the only one out there who’s screaming for help from the Beer Gods? I’ve gone on so many trips to breweries with my friends, and it’s shameful how little I enjoy them. Is this the end for me? Don’t get me wrong, I love seltzers and will never turn my back on my true love. But I don’t want to be a dad in 30 years screaming at the Cowboys drinking the V7 pack of White Claws. Please, if someone is out there with any beneficial advice, let me know. I am all ears. I miss being able to get a 24 rack for $15.99 and be fine for the weekly pregames. 

• Connor (seltzer guy, not a fighter guy, more a lover guy, whisper it with me (I’m back guy)