Trying All The New Seltzers So You Don’t Have To: PT. 2

Welcome back to the Kanga Blog, your favorite bi-weekly written word press straight from two soon-to-be 5th years. Who would’ve thought I’d be back on this subject so soon? Since I wrote the first part of this blog a month ago there have been so many new seltzers come out. Am I saying this is directly correlated to my previous genius review? Probably not, but I’d like to think so. 

Regardless, here we are again. I’ll give you a little run down as to how I base my ratings: Truly Seltzers are a 7.1 and White Claw V1’s are a 7.2. I had to go back to 4th-grade science class for this word, but these are our “control” seltzers.

White Claw Variety Pack V3: 7.9/10

Alright, these are a straight upgrade from the V1 and V2 pack. I’ve always been a Claw simp and this will probably make this last forever. The Blackberry flavor is immaculate and has a different vibe than any other White Claw out there. The subtle notes of fruit are exquisite in the Strawberry and Pineapple flavor as well. We all know what the Mangos taste like at this point. Should I consider myself a sommelier of seltzers after this? Hell yeah.

Cacti Agave Spiked Seltzer: 6.4/10

ITS (not) LIT! Mannn, I went into this pack with such high expectations. One of the legends of the rap game puts his name on a seltzer and it tastes like this? They’re not good, STRAIGHT UP! They’ve got a weird aftertaste I don’t vibe with at all. Flavors aren’t reality there either. However, they gained some points by being 7% ABV. 

White Claw Tea Variety Pack: 7.7/10

Alas, Truly has finally beaten White Claw in a pack. Honestly, these are adequate and have a ton of the same qualities the Truly Teas had. The issue is, the syrupy aftertaste is too much. Made it taste like a tea followed by a shot of high fructose corn syrup. 

Bud Light Platinum Seltzer: 6.9/10

These are a request from the last blog. Honestly, I am getting the same vibes from these as I got from the Cacti, just a different aftertaste. Makes a ton of sense, just did a quick Google and they’re both made by Anheuser-Busch. As the ratings go, however, these have been upgraded by .5 points in comparison to Cacti due to their 8% ABV.

Topo Chico Hard Seltzer: 9.3/10

Oh boy, these give High Noons a run for their money. I thought these were going to be like a canned ranch water (which if you haven’t tried, don’t), but these bad boys are so much more than that. Top-notch taste and it doesn’t give you that chalk aftertaste others have. I expect these to be the drink of summer 2021. I know they will be for me. 

• Connor (Seltzer Guy 2.0, Hater of Real Sommoliers, Lover of Ramen)