If The Site Crashes On Cyber Monday, Beers Worldwide Will Go Warm

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some serious news to deliver today. Right now, our Cyber Monday deals are live on the site (20% off sitewide + Free Shipping), and if we can brag a little bit… BIDNESS IS BOOMING. 

We're seeing record numbers on our website (rumor has it Jeff Bezos had a board meeting about us beating Amazon in web traffic) as people worldwide are looking to keep their brews nice and cold. It's a good day to be a beer and an even better day to be a drinking enthusiast. But, with that said, all good things have a dark side…

With so much traffic, our website could crash.

Since our founding in 2017, we've prided ourselves in fulfilling homeostasis for brews across the country. Beers no longer get warm throughout the day. Beers for 7 full-fledged hours because of our Kase Mates, can stay happy and cold. This fulfills their lifelong job of being drank chilled. If we cannot deliver the people our Kase Mates, it will be one of the darkest days for beers worldwide.

For perspective, I want to tell you guys the potential horror story of a 12 oz. beer named Johnny. Johnny is a Coors Light, who was once filled with joy and excited to be consumed cold. He sat inside of his owner's fridge, eager for Thirsty Thursday. Little did Johnny know, the Kanga website crashed and there was no Kase Mate in sight. 

On that fateful Thursday, Johnny and his 23 friends were pulled out of the fridge, expecting a nice cold blanket around him. But there was none in sight, and Johnny was placed on the counter. 

He and his friends grew warm, ensuing chaos. Was everything they were told in production a lie? Was Johnny destined to be consumed warm? Johnny was soon taken out of the case, and due to his temperate body, was left in the corner. 

In this horrific future, you will find Johnny alone in the corner, begging for anyone to consume him. He's unhinged at this point and probably growing stale. Seldomly, desperate drinkers take glances at Johnny, only to turn away as they aren't even that desperate. 

Luckily for drinkers worldwide and beers like Johnny, we've put our impeccable engineers to the task. They will be online, powering through brewskis and developing new crash tests to ensure this chaos never ensues. 

There still can't be any promises made. We will do our best, but take advantage of the moment and grab yourself a Kase Mate before it's too late. Not just for you, not just for me, but for beers worldwide like Johnny, who lives each and every day wishing their owner blessed them with a Kanga product.

• Connor (Not a warm beer guy, pray for Johnny guy)