What up and welcome back to the Kanga Blog - your international hub for drinking, sports, lifestyle chat, or whatever Matt and I have on our minds for the day. Today, we’re coming at you guys with your weekly drinking schedule. Yup, you heard that right, we’re making your plans now. Go ahead and give your boss/professors a solid excused absence because this is a hefty one. Feel free to send this template out to anyone who may be looking for your efforts this week (because it’s not going to happen).
Go on, comrade. Now that we’ve got you off the hook, let’s get after it.
Today, February 2: Groundhogs Day
Well, well, well, gents, the time to see what my man Punxsutawney Phil is feeling for us this spring. And, as always, this must become a drinking event. Groundhogs day is sacred, ritualistic, and outright extraordinary. I love the visual of Germans in the 1800s staring at a groundhog, wondering what the weather is going to be like. As far as drinking tips go, just do yourself a favor, pick a side (longer or shorter winter) and ride it until you die.
Wednesday, February 3: Elmo’s Birthday
No, I am not joking. This is an actual thing. The red furry little creature we all grew up loving is turning 3 for what seems to be the 41st year in a row. If your childhood is like mine, then Elmo means something to your past, and well, that’s gotta be something to drink to.
Thursday, February 4: Thirsty Thursday
Tip your bartenders- it’s silly of me to even explain why you will be drinking on Thursday. Next question.
Friday, February 5: It’s Finally Friday
Wheeew, after avoiding school and/or work all week, it’s finally time for some much-needed relaxation. After taking this wonderful week off, why not spend more time doing nothing and drinking some bronsens. Maybe have a lazy day, watch all 9 NBA games, win (or more likely lose) some money and just chill. After all, you deserve it after the killer week so far.
Saturday, February 6: Sober Moment Saturday
Okay, real quick, everyone reading along go ahead and put an alarm on your phone for noon on Saturday. Especially if you’re someone in a relationship. This Saturday will mark that it is officially 7 business days until Valentine's Day. Most online shops (including yours truly) have this little thing called standard shipping, which allows items 5-7 business days to get your items. Have a quick sober moment on Saturday, get your significant other that all so romantic Kase Mate, and then celebrate that you didn’t screw the pooch on Valentines Day this year.
Sunday, February 7: Super Bowl Sunday
The day football fans and drinkers alike across the country is finally here. We’ll be posting our official Super Bowl drinking matchups later in the week, but just know that this has got to be one of the biggest nights of the year. A couple of reminders for all you newbies to the blog: 1. Bet tails and 2. Throw $5 on a 10 leg player prop parlay and sweat out the entire game.
When it’s all said and done, this may, in fact, be one of the most significant and essential drinking weeks of your young life. Ranging from a furry red monster’s birthday to the football matchup of the century, there is an irrefutable reason to drink every day of the week.
- Connor Laird (Assistant to the Assistant of the Regional Manager, To The Moon Guy)