Wow, this job is incredible. I get to sit here on a Monday night and drink FOR MY JOB?? Life is good guys, life is good.
If you somehow haven’t noticed, convenience stores across the country have been flooding their shelves with hard seltzers. And with good reason, they’ve taken over the world as a drink of choice for many, myself included (don’t shame me for being a seltzer guy). With so many new companies jumping into the seltzer race, I figured it’s up to me to try every seltzer I could try on the market, so you don’t have to.
As a disclaimer, this is how I rated these in terms most can understand: I rate Truly Seltzers a 7.1 and White Claws a 7.2. Both are great, standard seltzers that everybody knows and already has an opinion on. Onto the reviews.
Wild Basin: Boozy Sparkling Water: 6.3/10
Overall not bad, but not top tier to me. Some of the flavors kinda seemed like they’re doing too much. One of the flavors is Lemon Agave Hibiscus. As a simple-minded college student, I have no idea what Agave or Hibiscus even taste like. Isn’t Hibiscus something Starbucks has in tea? No idea. Not bad. It passed the shotgun test. Next.
Truly Hard Seltzer Iced Tea: 7.8/10
If Twisted Tea had an older, more successful, and family favorite brother- it would be these. Super easy to down, whether you’re looking to shotgun them, beer bong, or simply pound- it’s a great option to keep in your rotation. My favorite flavor would have to go to Strawberry Tea, but that’s all personal preference.
Four Loko Hard Seltzer: 4.1/10
I take back my original statement. I hate my job. This seltzer alone made me rethink every single life choice I’ve ever made. It’s exactly what you’d imagine, and trust me, please don’t drink this. That 12% ABV is not worth the battery acid taste it leaves in your mouth afterward. If you’re looking for something with this much alcohol, get some cheap wine. If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this... Don’t drink these. For the love of God. Please don’t drink these.
Press: Premium Alcohol Seltzer: 8.9/10
Part of me doesn’t want to let you guys know about these bad boys. Hands. Down. One. Of. The. Best. Seltzers. On. The. Market. Super casual, not overly sweet, and it doesn’t have that aspartame aftertaste some seltzers do. The only downside about these is that they’re 4%. Rookie numbers when it comes to some of the other guys, but the taste makes up for it in my opinion.
Natural Light Seltzer: 7.5/10
These are my personal go-to. 6% ABV. It’s got everything and anything you’d want in a seltzer. Easy to take down, and for all you gym bros/chicks out there- these seltzers are light on the carbs. And the price is unbeatable. I find them for around $13 a case, which is heavenly compared to others. You can’t go wrong with some Aloha Beaches on a Friday afternoon.
Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer: 7.8/10
This rating strictly applies to the Cucumber Lime flavor. By far the most refreshing seltzer I’ve ever had in my life. Everything that White Claw Lime wants to be, that’s this flavor. This one isn’t going to be your go-to slamming seltzer. If golf had an official drink- it would be this seltzer. You’ll understand what I mean once you try it.
Bud Light Hard Seltzer: 5.8/10
I don’t like them, but I know a ton of people who do. They just didn’t pass the vibe check for me. I got an aftertaste nearly as bad as the Four Loko one, and that’s saying a lot. Try them if you want. I know a bunch of people like them. They’re just not for me.
High Noon Hard Seltzer: 9.3/10
Dave Portnoy put his name behind High Noons, and holy shit, they don’t disappoint. There is no possible way any drink, alcoholic or not, could be better. I’d drink these every moment of my life if I could. The only thing keeping these from the unimaginable score of a 9.9 is the 4.5% ABV and the price point.
- Connor (Abider of dudes, Dude who abides, Seltzer extraordinaire)